XFiles Episode Clause
by agentpippin
Summary: Ever wonder what it takes to make an X-Files episode? Mulder and Scully are about to find out. Just a wee little piece. *section 2 up!*
1. Section 1: Serial killers

Ever wondered why X-Files episodes seem to be so clichéd? It's because there are rules you have to follow to make one! Don't   
sue me, I don't own anything, and I'm not mocking X-Files. I don't love it QUITE enough to mock it. This started out as an   
ELA assignment and morphed into my very own brainchild.   
  
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The Society of Motion Pictures (with the help of myself) presents:  
  
Guidelines for making an X-Files episode!  
Guest stars Agent Fox Mulder and Agent Dana Scully are going to help demonstrate some of these guidelines.   
  
1. Serial killers  
Episodes involving serial killers must include a blonde finding her boyfriend/fiancee/husband's dismembered body in the   
bathtub. The aforementioned blonde must then proceed to call various authorities in hysterics, bringing several clueless   
police officers and two FBI agents to the house. The house must be located at the edge of a lake or a forest. After asking   
the blonde useless questions and wandering around the house for a bit, the police will leave to investigate the lack of   
evidence found at the crime scene. The FBI agents will also leave to do background checks on several suspects who have no   
obvious relation to the evidence, or lack thereof, found at the house.   
  
Scully: What the hell, Mulder?  
  
Mulder: Shh, I'm thinking. I know, it's him! *points at random picture in photo album*  
  
The blonde must then be lured into the forest or to the lake by the killer, whom she mistakes for her boyfriend/fiancee/  
husband. The FBI will return the next day to find the blonde dead inside the house, along with an insignificant speck of   
evidence which will in fact dispel any doubts as to the killer's identity.  
  
Mulder: Told you so.  
  
After a surprisingly short period of time, the killer must be tracked down and apprehended with as little fuss as possible.  
  
Scully: You'd think Eugene Tooms would have put up more of a fight.  
  
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Sorry this one's so short. Next chapter: Any and all episodes involving mutants...  
Stay tuned! R/R please! 


	2. Section 2: Mutants

Here it is... section 2 of the X-Files Episode-Making Clause: Mutants!  
  
Disclaimer: the usual. See last chappie if you're that desperate.  
  
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2. Mutants  
Any and all episodes involving mutants or other such freaks of nature must include at least one scene in which the main   
character(s) find(s) him/her/themselves alone in a hotel room, the mutant having followed them there. All shapeshifters must   
enter underneath the locked door, although mutants possessed of intangibility powers may choose their point of entrance.   
All mutants possessed of abnormal mental capabilities must will one of the hotel doormen to open the locked door for them.   
Under no circumstances should the hotel staff check the air ducts for suspicious sounds until at least three quarters (3/4)   
of the way through the episode. When they do investigate, only one person is to go at a time. When the first investigator   
has been dispatched, a second is to be sent in. Repeat with as many investigators as necessary to take up an interval of   
space between two commercial breaks.  
If the hotel does not have sufficient room to fit an actor in the ducts, they must have a brief hand-to-hand fight with the   
main character(s). This fight must result in Mulder losing his gun.  
  
Mulder: DAMN it!  
  
The agent's partner is then to a) find a way out of the hotel room (but is not to evacuate the other guests), or b) to   
unwittingly scare away the mutant. If choice B is taken, the agents must proceed to have a long, thoughtful discussion as to   
the cause of the departure of said mutant. This discussion is to be interrupted by the agent's boss informing them of either   
a clue as to the identity of the killer (see section 1, paragraph 2) -  
  
*Skinner holds up a photo album titled 'Random Suspects'*  
  
- or another death/killing.  
  
Scully: Sigh.  
  
The mutant is then to reveal themselves to one of the agents, but is to disguise themselves or otherwise avoid detection from  
or contact with the other agent for as long as possible. If possible, Mulder should lose his gun again.  
  
Mulder: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!  
Mutant & Scully: Yay!  
Mulder: Excuse me?  
Mutant & Scully: We mean boooo!  
  
There is then to be a confusing conclusion, involving the local authorities and the agent's boss and a touching scene of   
respect and trust between the two agents.  
  
Mulder & Scully: Jesus, not AGAIN...  
  
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Hmmm, what to do for the next chappie? I'll use any and all ideas, if you have them. 


End file.
